Marriot's Te Au Moana Luau

The Te Au Moana (which apparently means “The Ocean Tide”) luau was a tough decision. With my mother visiting, she insisted on a luau despite opinions that such entertainment on the island is kitschy at best. Whether you’re reading reviews of Maui’s various luau’s – Te Au Moana, The Old Lahaina Luau, the Grand Wailea’s Honua`ula Luau – on Trip Advisor, Yelp, etc., reviews are scatter-shot to say the least. So, we settled on the luau closest to home, the Marriot’s Te Au Moana luau.

We arrived early, a little after 4pm to ensure ourselves good seating as many reviews I read complained of crowds and winding up in the back row. (Frankly, there really isn’t a bad seat here; you’re either close to the stage or close to the bar and the dessert area. That’s a win-win situation to me.) That turned out not to be an issue and my family wound up in the second row and were seated with a lovely family from Colorado and some newlyweds from Palestine. That’s a good mix of people, ever so fortunate since we found ourselves waiting about an hour for the bar to open and waiting another half hour or so after that for the buffet to be set up. Speaking of the bar, the drinks (mai tais and pina coladas) were included with the price of admission (around $90 per person with our local discount) and were surprisingly tasty and strong, especially the mai tais.

Nice and liquored up, the pig was eventually dug up from a pit adjacent to the bar area. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see the pig being dug up as guests seated closer to the pit where to ones up close and crowded those of us from the front rows out. Not really a big deal, though, as the pig was then paraded through the middle of the grounds. The buffet was ready to go soon thereafter, and tables were called to approach the buffet in a nicely organized manner. As for the food itself, there was something for everyone but was mostly neither here nor there taste-wise. And, except for the pork and poi, the food offerings were not particularly Hawaiian.

As dinner wound down after about an hour, the show was ready to begin. Unlike the Old Lahaina luau, the Marriot’s luau is geared more towards dances from across Polynesia and featured the retelling of creation

myths that were compelling, though ultimately contradictory. Fortunately, love stories are a requisite as well, despite the manner in which they always wind up tragically. After various story-telling and dancing*, children were invited up to the stage to learn some hula which I though was adorable though I don’t particularly like children. Then, audience members were selected to learn some dance moves on stage which was hilarious. Problem is, I don’t think either of these segments of the show lasted long enough. Maybe the fire-dancer, up next, had to be home early. Who knows? But I do give serious props to the fire dancer despite a misstep or two. He was a blast to watch and his segment did go on longer than I thought it would. Still, the entertainment portion of the luau lasted less than 90 minutes.

[* - I read a review in which someone – very frustrated or repressed – complained that the dancers were grinding too much. This is a ridiculous observation if one has any understanding of 1) how important family is to Hawaiians and 2) human biology and the origin and point of dancing in the first place.]

Was it all worth the near $100 for the luau? If you take into consideration the mark-up on all goods and service in Hawaii, the price should be about something you would expect. And while this is my first luau, I don’t think there will be any more now that I am well versed in Hawaiian legends. This is to say the luau was a good experience but not so much that I feel the need to ever do it again. Frankly, I’d rather be in the luau, playing with fire.

Leis are offered free shortly after check-in. Men have the option of receiving a fish hook necklace. Parking is free in their parking structure which is to the left as you approach the valet area. Have your parking ticket validated by the luau staff when you check in. 

80's Night at Gannon's, Wailea

You would think that given all the information on the Internet, there would more reviews about Maui nightlife. It is true that there isn’t a great deal of nightlife on Maui such as you would find on the Mainland and this is due to the fact that vacationers mainly come to the island for the beaches. Between this fact and the time difference between Hawaii and the rest of the world, Maui is generally a quiet place after 9pm. Not always, though. Outside of the well-known “Triangle” in south Maui’s Kihei – The “Triangle” being a collective of several bars – some Wailea and Makena restaurants occasionally turn themselves into a dance venue. During the summer months, once a month, Gannons in south Maui itself hosts “Gannons After Dark: The 80’s in Wailea.”

First, the facts: Gannon’s is located up a hill on 100 Wailea Golf Club Dr. The cover is $10 a person or $15 a head if you want to reserve a table. There is plenty of free parking. The event begins at 9pm and goes until 1am, which for Maui, might as well be more like 4am. Once inside, you will notice how spacious the venue is as most of the restaurant’s tables have been stored away, leaving a few tables surrounding the dance floor and outside on the lanai (patio). This is a breath of fresh air as it allows you to actually get to the bar without much trouble. On the other hand, there are some tables too close to the dance floor which cuts down on the actual dance floor area; the “dance floor” itself is actually quite small by Mainland standards. The crowd was mostly locals; about 80% by my estimations, with ages ranged from the 20’s to 50’s. The rest of the crowd was comprised largely of vacationing 20-somethings doing the bridal shower thing or looking to get out of their hotel rooms and away from their families. The drink prices are about what you would expect for this ritzier part of the island though surprisingly not all that insane. This is Hawaii after all.

The experience: My group arrived shortly after the party started at 9pm and by the time we walked in the dance floor was already hopping. It appears as though the locals take full advantage of any nightlife down this part of the island and I don’t blame them. We were also surprised to see how many people actually took the time to dress up in their 80’s paraphernalia: You had your aerobic junkies and jocks, preppies, Madonna-wannabes, neon-clad girls, metal-heads, etc. Actually, so many people put some effort into what they were wearing it made the people who weren’t in costume seem silly in comparison even if those people were dressed nicely. (Of course, I’m sure no one goes on vacation expecting to pack an 80’s costume, especially since Hawaii has long maintained a psychological connection to the 70’s.) The crowd was friendly and few people in this setting thought twice about striking up a conversation just for the sake of it. Unfortunately, as the hours and alcohol wore on, a few people did get out of control on the dance floor which was small enough to begin with. As The 80’s in Wailea seems to be a popular event, I would advise Gannons to back the tables away from the dance floor a little more. It just seems odd that given the amount of space available to the venue that they would try to box in the dance floor so much. (However, one suspects a more crowded-in dance floor makes for better photo and video opportunities.) Now that I think more about some of the tables being so close to the dance floor, I would advise against reserving a table as people are simply going to put their drinks down wherever they can find space, whether your table is reserved or not. If you really need to sit down, there were plenty of unreserved tables outside on the lanai.

Meanwhile, the music, supplied by local boys DJ LX and emceed by Jay J, was passable enough despite some early technical glitches. And I personally would have enjoyed the music more if they would have let more songs pay all the way through. It’s just as a musician myself, well, I probably pay too much attention to these things and maybe shouldn’t criticize. But I will definitely give DJ LX credit for mashing up several songs and giving a few of them some much needed backbone with some extra beats and bass. That aside, how much fun this event is doesn’t rely much on the DJ but rather the already high enthusiasm of the patrons going in. All things considered, I can’t wait for the next retro-80’s party at Gannons. I’ll be there; just look for one of the ten guys in zebra-striped pants.

Totally gettin' rad here!