Hidden Hazards of Maui

There’s a few things you should know before visiting Maui, the kind of things ‘they’ don’t talk about.

Weather

Small as the island is, Maui has several distinct micro-climates. Depending on where you are on the Valley Isle you could get scorched, sun- or wind-burned, drenched, or chilled to your bones. Let’s start with “scorched”…

The Hawaiian sun does not play around. Even on a cloudy day, even if you’re a regular at the tanning salon, even if you have SPF-30 on – don’t go less than SPF-50, I say – you’ll probably get burned at some point during your vacation (usually at the beginning). Around here, even your ears need a good, strong sunscreen. Don’t forget those guys! What’s that, think taking an umbrella to the beach will save you? Think again; light reflecting off the water and sand is almost as potent as lying or standing directly in the sun. You may think I’m kidding about the sun being strong even when it is overcast, but don’t just take my word for it. Learn from experience if you want, though it’s a decidedly more uncomfortable route to go. You have been warned. [The sun is strong everywhere on the island but skies are usually clearer with direct sunshine hitting the southern and western facing shores most of all.]

The combination of Maui’s heat and humidity occasionally sends people up to the volcano (Haleakala) summit to cool off, or, people simply visit the summit to see the sunrise. The weather at the summit is definitely cooler – about 15-20 degrees on average than the coast – but is often quite windy, too. Like, really windy, the kind of wind that’ll exfoliate you more than you want it to. Combine that with the average 40 degree temps in the morning when you want to see the sun rise and – let’s just say you should go up Haleakala dressed in layers. And, rain can kick in any moment near the summit outside of the summer months. Even then bring a poncho if you are determined to stay dry. Although, it’s usually dry by the time you’ve hiked down 500 feet or so inside the crater as long as you stay east of Kuapo Gap on the trek. That shouldn’t be a problem since Kuapo Gap is about 10 miles away on the opposite side of the crater.

Speaking of getting wet, are you going to stay in or drive the road to Hana? If so, then you’re going to get wet. There’s always a 50% chance of rain in Hana due to the weather pattern, meaning, on the day you go there there’s an almost 100% chance you’ll get dumped on with torrential water. At least that’s been my experience all the times I’ve been. (More on the Road to Hana later.) Likewise in the northwestern area of Maui, up and around the Wailuku area and beyond. Air gets pushed up by the eastern slopes of the mountains, condenses, and voila! you’re wet. Granted, it doesn’t rain as much up this way as it does in Hana, but still. At least bring a hat.

Sea and Surf

The Sea is a dangerous mistress. As of this writing in 2013 there have been 8 shark attacks, 2 of them fatal, and yes these are abnormal numbers. Shark attacks were also up in 2012, but this is getting ridiculous. No one is sure why the number of attacks is up, but they are. Sure, statistically speaking you are not likely to be attacked by a shark but if you like snorkeling, splashing around in the waves, or fishing off a kayak you may want to know this: Sharks in Hawaii are more likely to come near shore during dawn and dust when light conditions are low. They hunt under such conditions. That said, it is also wise to stay out of the water when the surf is cloudy, usually the day after it has rained or when the trade winds have picked up and made the water choppy. Don’t wear high contrast clothing or jewelry either. And above all else if swimming, stay away from fishing boat as they have baited the water nearby which may attract sharks. If fishing off a kayak, don’t dangle your feet off the kayak for this very reason. That’s how the latest fatality happened. If you’re still determined to go in the water, though, consider scuba diving since sharks never seem to attack divers. Also know that in the summer, the west and north shores are generally calmer for swimming and snorkeling than south Maui beaches, while in the winter the weather pattern and currents change and the south Maui beaches become calmer. Other things to know include not touching the goddamn turtles unless they approach you and it cannot be avoided. Same goes for the whales, but since it is law that you need to stay 100 yards away from whales, that shouldn’t be a problem, right? Dolphins? Eh, they’ll initial contact if they’re curious but don’t chase them down; it stresses them out and they’ve got enough stress trying to avoid sharks. If taking a boat out on a snorkel or other adventure tour, take Dramamine or eat something with ginger an hour before getting on the boat. Many people who don’t think they’re going to get sea sick do and once you’ve headed out, the captain isn’t going back to shore unless you’re literally dying.

Driving

Island life comes with a number of hazards and one of those hazards is driving. Why? Two reasons: First, the locals tend to drive like bats out hell. Quite frankly, I’m not sure why since they’re not going to do anything once they get wherever it is they are going. Hawaiians (ethnic and senior haoles alike) aren’t exactly known for what might be considered a Mainland work ethic and as such are on Island Time all the time they are not driving. So, I don’t know why they drive so fast and dangerously. They run red lights and think nothing of the concept of right-of-way or yielding. So, if you’re on the road and see a car that doesn’t look like a rental, beware. Wait, I take that back;  since tourists spend a lot of time looking at the sights – usually the ocean during whale season – they spend less time watching the road as they drive. This creates a lot of accidents as people stray into oncoming traffic. While the number of collisions is nowhere near as high on Maui as it is on Oahu, still. Please drive defensively, even on vacation.

Sugar Cane Burning

Did you know it snows on Maui? Central and south Maui is often afflicted with what is known as “Maui snow,” black ash that rains down on these parts of island from the burning of harvested sugar cane fields between the central and south sides of the island. And it stinks really bad. Unfortunately, the burning of the fields – which btw happens to be fairly toxic – takes place most of the year and can really make south Maui beaches unsightly when the wind favors the ash-fall. I suppose it could be worse if the HC&C Company didn’t burn mostly in the morning, but even when they do, their trucks are busy for the rest of the day raising a ton of dust clearing the debris, making a drive between Kahului and Wailea/Makena in a convertible seems like a terrible idea. The only way to avoid Maui snow is to stay on the west side.

Supermarkets

Finally, shit’s expensive on Maui and in Hawaii in general. But, what do you expect? We’re out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean here. As a consequence, Maui restaurants are generally way overpriced, even for entrees that aren’t very good. So, if you ain’t prepared to pay the piper, don’t pick up the flute. You have been warned.

 

Despite all this, there are certainly worse places to be. Just don't rush into things or expect too much and you'll be just fine here. Aloha!

Upcountry Farmer's Market, Pukalani/Kula

As someone who has been to lots of farmer’s markets, I know that which I speak of. While I admire the motto of the Upcountry Farmer’s Market (“Occupy Farms”) I can’t help but say that this market, held Saturdays 7am-12pm, is probably the weakest farmer’s market I’ve ever been to. Granted, I did not get there until about 9:30am, so it’s hard to say if all the best items were wiped out early or if the farmers just don’t have much to sell. Frankly, most vendors appear to have plucked whatever looked ready in their backyard that morning and brought it to the market. Then there is the matter of just how uninterested the vendors are to sell you what they do have, mostly ignoring you and opting to chat with their friends or the next vendor over. And it’s not like there are very many vendors; most are selling you already processed items or widgets instead of fruits and veggies. The only bright spot here was the vendor selling Indian food, which although early for lunch, was as close to good Indian food as you’re going to find on Maui. Unfortunately, the fruit and veggie vendor who set up in Kihei four days a week has been AWOL for months now, forcing me to try this market. Decent Indian food aside, I tried this market but I will not be back.

The Upcountry Farmer’s Market is located on Hwy 37 at the Kulamalu Town Center near Long's Drugs, Pukalani/Kula.

Bully's Burgers, Ulupalakua

Few eateries actually qualify as “burger shacks” but that is exactly what Bully’s Burgers is. Located on the mauka (inland) side of the road just a bit past Tedeschi Winery / Maui Winery, Bully’s Burgers is the last place to buy some grinds before hitting the general store in Kaupo a long ways towards Hana (assuming you’re headed towards Hana, doing the Back Road to Hana tour). Is it worth it? It certainly is the best roadside burger I’ve ever had, I’ll tell you that. It wasn’t a fancy burger either, just a plain and simple burger that they’ll tell you is 100% natural beef. (Ignore the pig in the pen next to the condiment table.) After tasting the burger I believe them, despite having to acknowledge the rest of their food and drinks are from Costco. But hey, you’ve got to give a little to get a little. It did take about 15 minutes to get the food but c’mon, this isn’t McDonalds here and there is a view to admire while you wait. Service was very friendly, too, another feather in their cap. I will mention that there are only a few tables here, so you may have to cozy up to a stranger or else eat in your car but I can’t imagine eating their burger without the view. So, if you like burgers, yes, stop here and you probably will not be disappointed. (Well, except by the prices maybe which are $9-$15 a burger. But hey, this place is out in the middle of nowhere. What do you expect?)

Location: 15900 Pi'ilani Highway; Open 11am-7pm (8pm in the summer)

Monkeypod Kitchen,Wailea

I wanted desperately to like Monkeypod Kitchen more as they have made an effort to use as many local ingredients in their food as possible. The interior is also nicely decorated and clean, something you don’t see too often north of their location in Wailea Village Mall. I especially love the hanging ropes that serve as dividers between the patio, bar, and dining room. Nice touch there. Unfortunately, that’s about as good as it gets at Monkeypod Kitchen as the immediate view off the patio is of the main road that winds on down to Wailea, tiki torches notwithstanding.

Despite the use of local ingredients, nothing great comes out of it. Yes, the Garlic-Truffle-Oil Fries with Aioli sauce are a respectable attempt, but it’s not enough to give you that surprise you long for when you try something that sounds so good at first.  

Cocktails, spirits, and beer are all par-for-the-course. While Monkeypod Kitchen boasts a greater variety of beers on tap than any other restaurant on Maui, all of their tap beer can be bought at any local supermarket for much less money. $10 for a coconut porter? I can get a four pack at the store for $8. 

Service was respectable, neither fast nor slow, though you tend to get the sense that no matter who serves you on Maui, you can tell they are thinking about surfing while taking your order. Personally, I don’t care how distant my local server is as long as I don’t go completely unnoticed and I’m served what I actually ordered. I’m relaxed that way. 

Fortunately, not many people come to Maui expecting great dining experiences. While you won’t be disappointed here, you will not be wowed either.

Fabiani's Bakery and Pizzeria, Kihei

I’ve been hoping against hope of ever finding good, reasonably priced Italian food in Maui again after Aroma D’Italia closed its doors in March 2012. Wouldn’t you know it, though, along comes Fabiani’s, a stone’s throw from where Aroma D’Italia used to be. That doesn’t mean that Fabiani’s is easy to find; while you may see their sign driving up or down East Lipoa street, the restaurant itself is back off the road in the corner of the strip mall. (Okay, it’s not THAT hard to find it.)

When you do find Fabiani’s, the first thing you’ll notice is the dessert cabinet, but we’ll get to that soon enough. The second thing you’ll notice is the ambiance, or the lack thereof. While I like Fabiani’s, the restaurant is too new and too clean to have much character to call its own. With too many TV’s, even in the dining area, its just not a place I would go to for a romantic date. In this way, Fabiani’s is like many other Maui spots that try and fail to walk the line between being a restaurant and a sports bar. Plus, there’s no view of any kind here if dining with a view is an issue for you. Fortunately, Fabiani’s is saved by its food.

Good pizza is difficult to find in Maui. Good pizza with an authentic thin crust has been virtually impossible until now. When Fabiani’s says “thin crust” they mean it and deliver it faithfully. I’ve never had a bad pizza here, so order any one of them and it’s going to be tasty without all the salt you get from chain pizza places. Though their pizzas may not be as big as something you’ll get at Pizza Hut or Shaka Pizza, pizza from those guys pale in comparison taste-wise. While you’re not going to get the best pizza you've ever tasted here, it’s definitely among the best I’ve ever had in Maui. Meanwhile, appetizers are so-so while their other dinner dishes such as the lasagna or calzone are respectable, though you probably won’t send a postcard home about them. Ah, but then there’s dessert. While I wouldn't use the phrase "to die for" here, there isn’t a single dessert that is less than wonderful; they were all worth salivating over when you first walked in. My personal favorites are the chocolate mousse red velvet cake and the cheesecake. The macaroons are all also quite good.

Service-wise, everyone is friendly and also attentive without being overbearing. I will disclose that I have not been here for breakfast or to pick something up from the bakery, but if several successful happy hours and dinners are any indication, I don't see how mornings here could be a bad thing.

Check out their menu here.

Boss Frog’s Frogman II Molokini Snorkel Tour

We certainly got up early for this one since all the reviews I’ve read about snorkel tours out of Maalaea indicated that the parking lot at the harbor fills up fast. We arrived 20 minutes before boarding, though, and parking was easy to find on the far side of the harbor, which meant a three minute walk to the slip. No big deal.

After checking in we found a nice place inside the cabin to sit, though it’s just as nice outside and upfront by the catamaran’s trampoline. The crew had placed some morning eats out which I have to admit were tastier than I expected. I think I eventually ate about half of all the little pieces of cinnamon cake they had. Fortunately, I had time to digest my “breakfast” as the ride out to Molokini took a bit over 45 minutes, time during which the captain was entertaining enough in recanting the ship’s strict rules and pointing out landmarks.

When we got to the crater, we were once again reminded to stay between the boat and the crater wall and not to stray too far to either side where other boats may come in. This resulted in 50 people trying not to kick each other as we got up close and personal with a school of black fish. Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be much going on below the surface other than the black fish, and while the visibility is a good distance inside the crater, I didn’t find the coral all that remarkable. The water at Molokini is also noticeably colder than it is near shore, so be aware of that. That being the case, I would advise bringing your own wetsuit or rent one from the crew.

So between the crowd of snorkelers and the lack of marine activity inside the crater, I wasn’t all that impressed. I was more impressed by lunch, which featured cold cuts and drinks that weren’t half bad. We probably stayed at Molokini for 45 minutes, then shoved off for Turtle Town.

What you need to know about Turtle Town is that the location of Turtle Town varies by tour boat; it’s basically wherever the captain says it is which in this case was off Wailea Point. And we caught conditions on the right day as the water was warm and calm at Wailea Point with several turtles to be found. But the reality is, on a good day it would be easy to snorkel to the site where the boat stops halfway between Wailea Beach and Polo Beach. This stop was as good as any other, I suppose, but you needn’t book a snorkel tour to experience it.

After leaving Wailea Point came the best part of the trip, whale watching on the return the Maalaea Harbor. The whales were quite active today and we got a good view of several whales while remaining a respectful distance away. (The same cannot be said for many kayakers and paddleboarders.) Another word of advice: the surf conditions during the return towards Maalaea is often choppy, as winds change by the time you’re four-five hours into your trip. If you’re at all prone to sea sickness or don’t know if you are, please take Dramamine before getting on the boat! You’ll be doing everyone and yourself a favor.

All things considered, this snorkel tour was better as a whale watching tour and if it weren’t for the crew who were all professional, courteous, and entertaining, I may have minded. I wasn’t impressed by Molokini what with the amount of snorkeling I’ve done in my life and turtle town was okay, though I’ve seen more turtles elsewhere. At about $70 per person, I feel we only got our money’s worth because of the whales. If it weren’t whale season, I would have said don’t bother going to Molokini.

Fat Dady's Smokehouse, Kihei

Fat Daddy’s Smokehouse is your average hole-in-the-wall dive bar and grill. That is, it’s neither here nor there; not the best but not the worst place either. Surprisingly, Fat Daddy’s has managed to be around for quite a few years in Hawaiian time. How, I’m not sure. Maybe because average is considered good for a restaurant in Kihei?

The food is not awful. I most recently had two of their sandwiches – the pulled pork and brisket sandwiches – in which the meat itself was well prepared. The buns are decent, too, but both sandwiches lacked BBQ sauce. Kinda disappointing for a BBQ joint. I’ve had worse but have also had better.

The drink selection is standard as far as cocktails go though I feel the beer menu is unforgivingly short. That’s me, though, someone who feels that only 3 microbrews on the menu just isn’t enough. I will say that I have never had a bad Mai Tai here, though.

Service, like everything else, was standard. The waitress was nice enough and the food came within a decent amount of time. Overall, I found Fat Daddy’s very, meh, shall we say. At least you won’t pay above-average prices here.

DIRECTIONS: Located at 1913 South Kihei Road but is really on Keala Place adjacent to Foodland and across the street from Kalama Beach Park.